ive faced death as well... from death threats, knives in my face, and suicide attempts.. and it wasnt until death became just a word and ive said fuck it all, that i decided to wake up.. it took me to realize i have nothing to lose by dying to wake up... i did my research and learned all i can.. sometimes it takes a lifetime of pain to realize we cant hide behind lies anymore

See and this is what I'm saying. People are so afraid but once they meet it in the face, really you are free. I've never told family, but the reason I'm so "laid back", is because I've come to terms with things so many people are afraid of. Maybe this is why one of the last rituals of free masonry is death. Because, only then, once you conquered it mentally you can be freed. Idk, I'm buzzing, but I thought I'd put it out there. Thanks for your comment.

no problem... im young.. only seventeen.. and ive struggled with suicidal thoughts and self harm actions my whole life... people dont really see how i see it.. i dont see it as being weak... it takes a lot of courage to look death in the face and spit at him.... ive accepted long ago that i control my fate and death is only a word... it doesnt control us... we cant let it... its us against the world...

Holy shit, I can't imagine being awake at 17. Respect.

it was a really difficult process tbh.. i dont feel 17.... mentally and physically and emotionally i feel like a 40 year old... ive just lived way too much life for my age... and im already tired of it.... while im glad im awake now so i can see whats real... i often find myself living in a fantasy to escape it all when its too real to deal with... its overwhelming... i honestly wouldnt wish it on a lot of people...

I can't disagree. It's like drinking from a firehose of information on a daily basis. But I have to know. Everything.

Have you seen the light side of all this? It's as exciting and uplifting as the dark side is terrifying.

its.. sad... its sad that the world is this way.. its sad that everyone around me doesnt see everything wrong with the way we live... its gotten me jaded.... seeing the things i see on tv doesnt phase me anymore... i dont get scared at horror movies because of the horror around us every day... my step dad can walk in with a gun to test our reaction speeds to an intruder, and i dont even freak out anymore... there really is no light anymore... i mean.. sure theres love and happiness all around us, but who knows when someones going to come bursting in and destroy everything.... its like.. walking on eggshells waiting for the bomb to drop and everyone calling you crazy for it... i get called crazy and insane almost every day, and have had to go to the guidance counselor because teachers have thought i was mental and needed help.....

No, I mean think about this: We've been lied to... about everything. That sucks... But. There are some very amazing things that have been suppressed too. Hidden things. Things we're not supposed to know about. Ancient civilizations. Like thousands of years before the Sumerians. Sacred geometry. /r/holofractal is all over this. It's all over ancient architecture. New, powerful ways of understanding the universe. Ayahusaca. I'm a hard core materialist, masters degree in mechanical engineering, but... I'm thinking astral projection might be real. Crazy cool stuff. Still exploring, but it's very exciting.

And fwiw, most all the expats down here in Costa Rica know what's up. We have dinner conversations about private central banking and Laurel Canyon. You look like a loon down here if you parrot the official 9/11 story. Total role reversal.

im a theistic satanist (no we arent evil, no we dont sacrifice virgins or goats, no im not going through a phase), and meditation is very very big for me, and i have astral projected. its very much a real thing... and there are so many amazing things out there.... but we never see it because we are lied to. its like... lets cover up the amazing things with bad things covered up by trivial things.... and heaven forbid i start to spout off proven facts and information about anything in the bible belt. its really sad.. if it doesnt spread a happy feely, christian message, it doesnt exist. theres so many theories about amazing civilizations! people are finding giant skeletons and theres the inner earth theory and its all being covered up! theres amazing advances being made in the evolutionary theory and amazing progress in nuclear science and space exploration and we just dont care...

Humanist, right? The Satanist name is for usually only for shock value alone.

well... yeah.... i guess.... i am my own god. i do have a being i would consider a guardian and protecter that i ask for guidance and help at times though..

The only God one can ever truly know. For myself, other than deep feelings and strange synchronicity, external words themselves have been ever silent. For all I can ever know, everyone else could be nothing more than a complex simulation. I understand.

sometimes i feel like no one is real.... i just get so lost in my own mind no one can bring me out.... its like a severe case of dissassociation caused by the harsh truth of reality... i tried to believe in god... he only let me down... but i swear i always hear that little voice pulling me back to reality when i lose it.. it may be my own mind, but sometimes we just need a bit of belief in something larger watching over us ya know?

I feel like if we can just make it through these next 5-10 years, life will be amaaaazing.

i hope so... its just all so shitty... i have a hard time looking ten years ahead just because i can see it all ending horribly for us as a race...

Have you poked around /r/psychonaut? Your input would be valuable there. Also, do you have an artistic outlet? Music always did it for me, but I always wished I could paint. I bet you could make some cool stuff, having seen what very few ever have.

i dont know if my imput would be too valuable because ive never done drugs or anything, and i dont think theyd really want to hear too much about that kinda thing. i write a lot, and am working on a novel based on the alternate realities i find myself slipping into. i wish i could paint as well.. i have so many things in my head that need to be drawn down, but i cant get them out. most arent even anything remotely real life... just a bunch of hellish, apocolyptic landscapes

Just start drawing/painting. It takes practice, like anything else, so don't worry if it sucks at first.

And if you can project yourself spiritually, without drugs, consider that a profound gift. The drugs are just a means to an end -- or at least that's how it should be.

i honestly havent done it since the first time i tried.. when i did, it was only blackness really, and i could kinda see myself from above, but really all i saw was a thick white cord and a lot of scary things that i could tell were my own inner demons around me... it was really scary... and i 'touched' that thick white cord.... and ive been really really fucked up ever since... it was honestly the scariest thing ive ever been through...

I hear this, good for you! When I was 17, this was the last thing on my mind. But now as I got older, I start to think at things a little differently, mainly, not from my pants. For some of us it's a journey and some a road trip. I'm glad to see a young one here awaken. Don't buy into you're crazy, don't buy into YOLO. There are so many forces going against you guys your age. IDK, I'm drunk now. I'm just glad to see your awake. Help those youngsters around you and say fuck you to the rest. I wish you the best :).

thanks... its hard.. sometimes i wish i wasnt awake, but i honestly wouldnt have it any other way, even if im jaded and depressed most of the time... id rather be jaded than ignorant

Easier said then done, I know. Your not jaded (imo, i don't know you but i feel for you), you just see through bullshit. This is a strong characteristic. We may feel jaded, I get called jaded all the time. At the end of the day, I know what I want, I can see through peoples bullshit, and I scream when shit doesn't make sense. This isn't jaded, this is being your own being. I call things out no matter the consequences, I speak my mind, you know why? Because I can, lol, fuck the nay sayers fuck those who call you crazy. You're not, we are among the most sane here on this place. We live amongst dead people, both spiritually and physically. Not preaching, but people just don't know themselves. You can see it in reality TV. People just want to live the lives of others whilst not accepting their own. It's sad, don't get discouraged, don't get depressed.

ive just gotten to the point where i beg to be asleep again... i fall into a false reality and cant get pulled out.... its really hard.. but i wouldnt have it any other way... i live by 'fuck you, fuck off, fuck it' and its really the only way to get through it all... i feel sorry for everyone around me.... they dont understand why im so quiet or down or apathetic.... i feel like if theyd just open up a little bit to the idea of things not being what they seem, theyd understand... they say im cold and dead inside... honestly it feels like i am... i fight for everyone to come alive yet the weight is too much to bear and it just sucks....

I know the feeling, some times we just got to let go. We can't help everyone, we got to focus on mainly us and then those we love the most. I know it's a scary feeling. I lose myself on a daily basis, trust me. But there are things that shock me back. Mainly family, mainly my little nephew. It gives me a purpose. I will take being called crazy, as long as I can teach him and be apart of his life. Don't wish to be asleep again, because it's not possible. Once you've seen shit, it can never be the same. The same as if a partner cheated on you. You can't go back, but you can learn. It's hard and exhausting, but worth it. I'd take my feelings I have at age 26 over being clueless at 17. You want to know why? Because either way I'm going to get to 26, better to be awake then dead inside. I know who I am, I know what I believe, It took a long time. Seclusion, alcohol, depression, hopelessness, but I was reborn from the ashes, a new being. As I think you are doing. You just started at an earlier age. Which in some sense is better. Wish I could've.

im glad im awake... my life has been better.... sure it still sucks, but im not suicidal anymore... just scared and anxious.. im bolder and more personable.... i have people i care about and would die for now... i have a boyfriend who needs me to be his rock and a little brother looking up to me for guidance because i was all he had besides my shut down mom for so long.... weve all awakened and while i wish i could hide my little brother from the evils of this world, hes prepared... hes only fourteen and he already has seen so much evil.... hes spent two years with a butcher knife under his pillow before my moms boyfriend came into the house because since he was nine he thought he had to protect me and my mom if a crazy ex came to burn our house down.... im still hopeless... im still struggling emotionally but i have something to live torwards now when i didnt before.....

Faze

Love and truth conquer all. When you stop fearing death and the unknown, it frees you. Each and every one of us are meant for something more. It's long overdue that we stand up. Cowering in fear will never benefit us or our children.

people get so scared when they hear the word death... its just a word.. and words cant hold power over us... if we just give up the fear that word gives then we will be free.... i just dont understand why we let words control every aspect of our lives....

It must be a welcomed part of thing we call consciousness. Fear cripples all. Fear ruins all. I'm a handful of years older, however our ever evolving conclusions are quite similar, if not identical. It took me much longer to realize the readily apparent truths that constantly surround us. Far too long. Shedding fear changed me permanently. As I'm sure it did you as well.

it has changed me.. im more reckless, but not in ways youd think a teen would be.... since ive woken up and been freed, i havent self harmed (which i was severely prone to for six years), i dont drink or smoke or party... but im not afraid to speak out.. im not afraid to question my teachers or challenge authority.. im not afraid to hold or shoot guns like i was before i woke up... im more free in my expression and stronger in my oppose.... adults sometimes fear me and try to beat me down.. nothing can stop me...

It has always amazed me how my once held and believed personal limits, when tested, are ALWAYS far greater than I could ever imagine. We are all immensely powerful. Sadly many will never realize or actualize such.

i always thought i was worthless.... i spent fifteen years in silence, afraid to speak my voice and be heard and it came close to killing me several dozen times.... my generation is the one to wake up the world... if we would all just realize we are ten times more than we think we are we can change everything.... i see that shy, quiet girl i once was and i look down on her because she was weak.... and maybe i do have a bit of a god complex, but in this world, sometimes we need a god complex to have the strength we need to get our lives going again

I guess I'm somewhat cursed. I know when I'm going to die; so every time that scythe whizzes past, there is no epiphany.

Edit: How do you know when?

The teacher can never be more than one step ahead of the seeker. There must be a seeker before there is a teacher for these ideas.

I think realizing my soul was immortal was the true waking point. There was some questioning and revelations before, but now, truth is deeper. When it clicks, it clicks. It's a spiritual experience, one that's hard to describe, but totally altering.

No.

In the short span of your brief life.

No.

Plow the road kid! My time is very short.

it was a really difficult process tbh.. i dont feel 17.... mentally and physically and emotionally i feel like a 40 year old... ive just lived way too much life for my age... and im already tired of it.... while im glad im awake now so i can see whats real... i often find myself living in a fantasy to escape it all when its too real to deal with... its overwhelming... i honestly wouldnt wish it on a lot of people...

i always thought i was worthless.... i spent fifteen years in silence, afraid to speak my voice and be heard and it came close to killing me several dozen times.... my generation is the one to wake up the world... if we would all just realize we are ten times more than we think we are we can change everything.... i see that shy, quiet girl i once was and i look down on her because she was weak.... and maybe i do have a bit of a god complex, but in this world, sometimes we need a god complex to have the strength we need to get our lives going again