You want proof?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under the age of eighteen) in this world. however, since santa does not visit children of Muslim, hindu, jewish or Buddhists religions, this reduces old Chris Cringle's work load for christmas night to about 15% of the total, roughly 378 million at average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is a least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west ( which seems fairly logical). this works out to be 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for every christian household with at least one good child santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks were left for him, get back in the chimney jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Now assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which we know is false, but we will accept the this for the purposes of the calculations)... we are now talking about .78 miles per household: a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. this means santa and his sleigh are moving at about 650 miles per second- which is 3,000 times the speed of sound. for purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle "the ulysses space probe" moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run at best 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized lego set ( we'll say about two pounds) the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting the big man him self. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. even with the benefit of the doubt, the flying reindeer could pull lets say ten times the normal amount (that seem reasonable, right?) the job cant be done with just eight or even nine of them...

Santa would need approximately 360,000 of them. this increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship .... not the monarch) 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second would create enormous air resistance. this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft reentering into the earths atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per each second. in short, they would burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating a deafening sonic boom effect in their wake. the entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second, or right about the time santa reached the fifth house on his trip. not that it matters, however, since santa as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in.001 seconds, he would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's.

A jolly 300 pound santa would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantaneously crushing his bones and vital organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink, Santa goo. therefore, if santa did exist; He's dead now........

Merry Christmas Everyone.

We don't take kindly to your logic in these parts

Upvote for making me spit my cider out in laughter.

We dont take kindly to those who dont take kindly round here

We don't take kindly to those who don't take kindly to those who don't take kindly round these parts

You are thinking so linearly. A local time dilation device covers most of this, and anyone with such tech would easily be able to manipulate gravity to do other neat stuff like compress the gifts down to a more manageable size.

Santa just has a better command of physics than you do, bud. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

This

You understand he works all year from the 5th dimension. It just seems like he does it all in 31 hours. Time has no meaning to him.

He's got a DeLorean at home.

I demand you post this as a separate post instead of as a reply to the sticky mod comment nobody ever reads! For the karma!

I'm sorry to ruin your fancy calculations but I don't seem to see the formula for magic used. It's a common mistake with you smart folk.

I had to expand Mr Mod's comment chain just to see this. Bravo sir, you made my Christmas even more merry!

My prof read this out loud on the last day of class to all the students. Your research has been disproven by one key miscalculation. In the Polar Express a Flux Capacitor can be seen on the sled. Furthermore the existence of magic can be definitely seen by the fact that there is light in the North Pole mid winter.

/r/theydidthemath

For someone who seems to know a lot about physics, this guy obviously has not even the slightest grasp of magic.

/r/theydidthemath

Solid copy pasta, I see this everywhere

I like you a lot. Merry Christmas.

You lost all credibility when you spelled his (Kris Kringle) name wrong. Obviously need to brush up on research skills.

You also did not factor in the close relationship Kris Kringle has with Father Time. 31 hours to work with? Try again. He has an infinite amount of "time" to work with.

Obviously he does not work within the 3rd dimension while making his annual deliveries.

Yeah but but bu....... HE'S MAGIC.

It is called the magic of christmas. Please

Why did I read that whole thing lol

Epic.

Dude. Wormholes.

Santa is a Time Lord.

Poof there goes your theory.

Somebody gild that...this man laid out why Santa isn't real, and made me sad....

I'm 35

I fucking love this sub

Shill

STOP ABUSING STICKIES. COMMENT NORMALLY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. God so fucking over mods. Merry Christmas.

LOL. You've been storing up your rage for 4 years without making a single post to /r/conspiracy, and this is what tips you over the edge?

EDIT: Oops sorry, forgot to sticky.

Nah this post was in r/all. Mods do this all the time and it's annoying. Thanks for not insta banning me like most mods do.

Edit: I'm worried you're gonna get butthurt that I'm getting upvotes and you downvoted :( don't ban me

Found the Parent

Get out of here you angry elf!

HE'S AN ANGRY ELF

Reindeer dust bro. Come on!

Please lock the thread this is ridiculous.

I move to ban OP as this sub has rules.

Rule #11: Misleading, fabricated or sensationalist headlines are subject to removal.

If this isn't a misleading, sensationalist, and completely fabricated, I don't know what is.

Source: Actually met Mr. Clause, turns out he's not as fat in person as you would think.

If only people came at every conspiracy from this sub with such skepticism.

OP, you have provided absolutely no evidence to back up your assertion.

Come on, this is /r/conspiracy. Do we really need evidence?

I can't go on

Shit like this is when /r/conspiracy goes too far. Like you said, just a conclusory statement supported by nothing but incredulity. I'm done with this subreddit.

It's true Santa would have to travel at 740 miles per second to get to 400 million children. Rudolph would ignite into flames and the sleigh would impact the chimney so hard it would vaporize steel beams.

I thought this was supposed to be a joke...either I don't realize how insane you people are, or you have no sense of humor.

or you have no sense of humor.

I see you are visiting us from /r/The_Donald.

Wait since when does /r/conspiracy need actual proof of anything?

12/24 is an inside job, Santa HAS to be getting help delivering gifts, but from who?

I heard it was members of the secret 'Order of the Klaus' based out of the South Pole, not the North. Probably why world leaders have been visiting so much. What better way to hide in plain sight than by creating a snowscreen through disinfo?

They're complicit in the so called "global gift exchange program", the Santaleaks emails outline a lot of this.

Red Nose = False Flag.

They're mocking us, making up that story about Christmas almost not happening without his help. There was no fog that Christmas Eve, it was merely a ploy to get us invested into the War on Giftlessness.

RED NOSES CAN'T GUIDE SLEIGHS!

Santa's happy workshop with elves making toys for children of all races all over the world without pay or charging money is a Soros Socialist globalist propaganda operation!

Red nose = red herring

Red is a terrible color to go through fog with. The ideal color would have been blue. Red would reflect back more light making it seem like a red haze. Ask any airline pilot when they fly through clouds they turn off their lights and run off the instrument panel.

Yet somehow we are to believe that some Reindeer with a nose as bright as a light bulb could navigate around the world in less than a night?

And all the reindeers behind him are brown-nosed

They're in the pocket of Big Reindeer.

Knecht Ruprecht

Krampus

Belsnickel

Zwarte Pete

Don't let big Christmas pull to wool over your eyes. Santa is marketable so thats why they force the focus on him over the others. Never forget.

Snowscreen? Now I understand why it seems to snow all the time in my tv!

I thought about this the other day and considered that perhaps the main person pulling the strings could be on his/her last leg, and "leaders" are paying their respects.

Based on a pagan festival of lights? Lights-illuminate-illuminati-confirmed.

"Sheeple" that's a fucking good one. I'm using it

[deleted]

STOP SAYING WOKEn

Bet he is woken now.

The Oxford Dictionary will name this the word of the year for 2017 and credit will be given to Hillary Clinton for its origin.

Well that explains how he gets deliveries done so fast!!

lol. I like you.

How do they not see it? Christmas trees are triangular after all!

Illuminati confirminati

[deleted]

Actually surprised there hasn't been a post about this yet

Detroit Rock City actually touched on this 17 years ago.

The church lady spelled this out before that...

There was but it kept getting deleted.

I need that Adam Curtis soundtrack to keep my attention.

Santa + Israel = Satan Is Real

Israel is a supporter of Satan CONFIRMED.

My Dad accidentally wrote "From:Satan" on a gift when I was 8. My Dad drank a little too much sometimes.

Confirmed! Santa is a baby eating CTR shill!!

Jesus Christ it's Kris Kringle

You never see these two together.

mind blown

Well isn't that convenient...

I have an extremely well-developed "Multiple Santas" theory, also known as "Elf-Assisted Delivery". you can learn all about it in this 4 hour documentary on YouTube

I ain't watching unless it has some really hip background music playing for the entirety of video.

Not for me then. I only watch documentaries with creepy and intense orchestral music.

Personally, I prefer discordant ominous tones in the background.

No, you got it all wrong. You obviously haven't heard MY theory that Santa is working with the aliens (specifically the Greys) and they've shared their tech with him. He is able to travel faster than the speed of light and freeze time. With this hot fresh alien tech, time means nothing. He's got eternity all in one night. Cuz aliens.

Tune into my YouTube channel for more.

I like to ago another route. Santa is a person that runs all the human programming. By programming everyone to believe and love christmas they spend all their money and deliver gifts themselves.

oh wait now it's not a joke it's real life lolz. Peace and love merry x mas.

Christmas - Brought to you in part by corporate America.

The eastern orthodox kids are served by a completely different guy (St Vasilios), on a different day (either new years or Jan 7 depending on which church) so that really spreads out the workload.

There ARE multiple Santas. And this is where they come from:

https://www.shortoftheweek.com/2012/12/24/rare-exports-inc/

Fantastic movie. and that twist was soo great.

I have sent a link as a Christmas card to several friends for years. Glad you enjoyed the dark humor.

Link please, I'm stuck at my inlaws house and need to kill some time before I kill them.

Here... This should distract you from the inlaws for a few minutes.

Real PROOF that there are multiple Santas! This is where they come from!

https://www.shortoftheweek.com/2012/12/24/rare-exports-inc/

Wikileaks just dropped "The Claus emails." It's all in there!

(Ignore the header that reads, "Dearest Julian, Merry Christmas, your BFF Vladimir." It's clearly been added by the NSA, but everything else in there is 100% authentic. GET ON IT PEOPLE!!!)

The DNC

CTC... Correct The Christmas

Correct the reindeer

There must be someone from the inside helping him. Maybe they're inside your house in this exact moment.

Oh my god....ss ss som ss someone is in my living room right now!

Is it you? Are you in your living room right now?... Are you Santa?

NORAD. And Obama is spending your tax dollars, people!

Christmas magic can't melt candy canes!

Magical elves have been the suspected accomplices for a long time now.

Probably the Rothschilds. I hear they don't even celebrate Christmas.

SaNtA

SNA

NSA

They see you when you're sleeping, they know when you're awake!

Pan out + zoom in moment

sudden clarity clarence

snowden snow...den

"Christmas Eve" has 12 letters. December is the 12th months of the year. 12x2= 24. Know what has 24 letters? "Santa Claus is an illuminati".

WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!

Lets see how long it take for the jew haters to come on out....

/u/spez

putin of course!

Jeff Bezos's army of poorly-paid, over-worked employees.....sorry I mean Santa's elves

Firemen http://www.kvia.com/news/holidays/santa-bombero-and-juarez-firemen-deliver-gifts-to-children/231307831

I'm thinking it's a Congress of santas. They work together to make it on time.

The Jews buy toymakers from comet pizza and rent them out to santa every year

Trump

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATXbJjuZqbc

The Russians

They skipped my house because I got shit

He's been outsourcing, proof: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4iJmkL5i_Nc

aliens

The Illuminaughty.

Hillary

George Soros.

From Who you ask?

The same people that offer same day delivery for Amazon. Except they have training in breaking and entering.

The corporations. They deliver products for "free" and then snare consumers with "in app purchases" and "planned obsolescence".

[deleted]

WOW SPEZ JUST DELETED THAT SUBREDDIT

[deleted]

Try Steemit.com

I can't :c

Has it been set to private?

Oh, right

So can I be the Christmas idiot?

You know that one person who never gets any of the jokes that the funny uncle or friend is making?

That's me online

He's implying we are making jokes here when this is a serious matter. Get him out of here.

[deleted]

Rudolph is fine. I saw Vixen headed to see him with a bag of vegan reindeer treats. Looked like it must've been chilly that day, but reindeer like that kind of weather, right? Anything above freezing is probably just torture.

[deleted]

I really, really love this thread. Merry Christmas, my fellow woke folk/paranoid androids! <3

Santa and his reindeer were shot down over Roswell NM in 1947. Since that time each acting President has had to work closely with corporations to fund a massive campaign trying to keep the Christmas spirit alive. They covered it up with the aliens story, but come on, Santa was the only one who had levitation and time control technology.

In the late 90's, Bill Clinton signed an executive order to stop funding Christmas. The national debt appeared to have a sudden miraculous recovery, but without the backing of the Christmas Spirit, new tech companies had no direction, causing the dot-com crash by 2000.

There are multiple theories as to what happened next. Some say 9/11 was a warning from other countries to revive the upcoming Christmas season, some think Bush went on a rampage trying to control multiple sleighs simultaneously through his other robotic bodies (thus explaining his apparent while reading to a group of children), and still others believe there is a secret organization of elves trying to rebuild Santa's legacy in secret and made an attempt to take out the final location of US competition.

Many people have noted how Obama appears to have aged so dramatically during his term. He actually tried to take it upon himself to be Santa for a couple years. What he didn't realize was that Santa's time-slip technology freezes time for everyone else but didn't stop his own aging. What appears to happen overnight for the rest of us actually takes about 7-8 years within the time bubble to deliver all those gifts. Santa was immortal, but the toll on Obama was tremendous.

The coming years will be scary. We lucked out in that Hillary wasn't elected to complete the job of destroying Christmas, however Donald is such a corporate Scrooge that he may actually require parents to pay for their children's presents, or even divert critical resources away from the massive project.

Insiders have suggested that our troops who are supposedly "overseas" are actually the manpower behind each year's Christmas miracles, but the effort and the secrets they must keep from their own families takes a huge toll on them. Please keep their efforts in mind and support our troops and the magic they bring to everyone's families each season.

Peace to all, and whatever the truth is, remember that it's up to all of us to keep the holiday magic alive in Santa's absence.

He was found dead in Barcelona a few years back after being struck by a flock a geese and a 747. Spectators say that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

Lamestream media shills cookin up the obvious lies here. Pretty easy to see that Santa is a Monarch/MKUltra imprint meant to reinforce the patriarchal fascist corporatocracy being sold by TPTB. Santa was the OG NSA: he knows when you're sleeping, when you're awake, the relative moral value of your daily deeds, and he's been recording this all on a list. And he can do all that without needing you to even use a cellphone. Also, I hear he keeps his "elves" in a basement underneath a DC pizza-shop, and the "reindeer" are all actually ancient-alien monstrosities. Also, pretty sure Santa's in league with the pope, the jesuits, Turkey (both nation and fowl), and the Podestas. Also, what kind of a "saint" needs so many aliases? Checkmate, Mr. Kringle.

UPDATE:

OP is on the naughty list

It's ok OP! With all that coal we will be barbecue'n all summer!

sigh Source. The truth is out there, wake up SHEEPLE!!!

Yes! The turkeys are the key, I thought no one else knew! I won't stop until everyone on this sub agrees with me that the turkeys are the key.

Stay woke friendo. Turkey and the Turks are not colluding. Last I heard Erdogan is backing Iranian pheasants to counter the rise of Kurdish chickadees. Dont let them divide you!

The "original" (((Saint Nicholas))) was from what is today Turkey. It's all connected!

[deleted]

"Both nation and fowl"

Oh god, I fucking lost it.

Fun Fact. St Nicholas was from Turkey.
''The historical Saint Nicholas, as known from strict history: He was born at Patara, Lycia in Asia Minor (now Turkey).''
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Nicholas

Pretty easy to see that Santa is a Monarch/MKUltra imprint

Literally what else could (((he))) be? Literally!!!

Read the emailz!!!! It's all spelled out in them literally, if you know how to read between the lines and infer stuff that they aren't saying at all! Literally!!! "Egg nog"="Stuffing children's stockings"!!! It's insane how sick these people are!!!

If that's true, do you have a guideline for how to investigate this safely? Ever since the season started I've been getting Happy Holiday cards and emails from unknown individuals/local businesses - anyone else? Is this just an intimidation technique?

Santa has 5 letters. Mossad has 6 letters. 5 + 6 = 11. The 11th letter of the alphabet is K. None of this means anything.

K is the symbol for potassium. Potassium has 9 letters. Mossad is not only responsible for 9/11, but Santa was complicit. No other explanation necessary.

Mossad controls me.

That's exactly what someone controlled by Mossad would say!

That's exactly what Mossad say to someone being controlled by Mossad!

I'm not gonna lie, that's badass!

We all know planes didn't knock down the towers it was a sled led by radicalized kamikazi reindeer. And Santa is really a reptilian shapeshifter.

(((They))) edited all the videos of 9/11 to put planes over (((Santa's))) sleigh and the reindeer!!!

Egg nog can melt steel beams!

Krumpus and Kris Kringle? KKK? Holy shit this is deep

Other important thing to remember about November is that some people don't shave then, who is known to have a large beard if not the main culprit in this conspiracy? Are they all in on it or are these copycats?

Stupid math

Who isn't these days?

Blame the Jews.

K

K for Kaliningrad. Kaliningrad used to be called Königsberg, and was the capital of Prussia. The Könige (Kings) of Prussia were of the Hohenzollern dynasty. Franz Wilhelm von Preußen is the current oldest member of the House of Hohenzollern. He was born in 1943. Christopher Walken was born in 1943. He was in Batman Returns in 1992 with Michael Keaton. Therefore, Santa is Batman, QED.

Dude you just started this thread here and at the same time you linked this thread to /r/bestofreddit saying that /r/conspiracy gone nuts over santa conspiracy! at least try harder and use different account when trolling and trying to make this sub looks stupid.

Correct the Christmas Record is still in business, eh? Agents of those damn Commie liberal (((elves))) who make toys for all the worlds children of every race out of the goodness of their little hearts, huh? Cucks!!!

[removed]

Lol is /r/conspiracy red pilling itself?

A Merry Christmas indeed.

Nah, it's just that /r/all is here

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Sounds like Alex Jones is in here. The title is a neat one, but doesn't promote thought. This is promoting oneself.

Source

Source

I'm scared, I wish I never read anything about shills

My first thought was, this is a character assassination attempt on /r/conspiracy.

Santa Gate

I can't believe that is a legit subreddit.....

That need to be a seasonal subreddit.

If you replace "Ho" with "I am a child rapist who runs a pedo ring out of an elf's factory", "Ho Ho Ho" gets a lot more sinister. How deep does this go?

Candy canes can't melt steel beams!!!

The WTC was built with the help of Santa. Those ''steel beams" were actually made of chocolate hence the collapse & story about it melting.

I thought it was common knowledge that Santa Claus has aides. He's had aides for a long time.l

Mother of god...

Mods please sticky this. This needs more attention.

It goes deeper than that. I was at two malls yesterday. Santa was there... At both of them!

And mind you, this was while NORAD Santa tracker already was showing him in the sky over the Middle East.

Multiple Santas. It's the only answer. And MSM remains silent.

Huge if true

Yes, you have it right. PROOF:

https://www.shortoftheweek.com/2012/12/24/rare-exports-inc/

This actually makes me so happy to see at least someone here has a bit of a sense of humour about stuff.

You have been banned for 3 days from commenting or posting in r/conspiracy. If you feel this ban is a mistake, you will be muted from speaking with the mods and shadowbanned and deleted and permanently placed on the "Naughty" list.

I'm not going to lie I sat here for about 5 minutes going... are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I almost quit reddit over this. Well done you brilliant bastard.

Merry Christmas!!

This is not funny. A man from Turkey, flies "around" the world in a night! This was obviously made up by the round earth, climate science, thought police. You can't fly around something that is flat!

WWWWWRRRROOOONNNNGGGGG

Christmas is a pagan holiday. Santa Claus is a Nordic Druid or shaman. At the winter solstice, when the snow covers the whole house up to only the chimney. This is where the shaman would enter. Once inside he would leave dried amanita mushrooms and dryer meat. Maybe a homebrewed mead! And in payment ( as religious duty) you would leave food furs and other payments . The next morning you would trip balls and party with you family.

On the real, tripping with my family would be a waste of mushrooms.

Trying to act sober while tripping balls in the company of your family is an experience all on its own though.

I like this version better. I'm going to have to discuss this with my wife.

The flying reindeer suggest native Nords and Siberians on amanita as well. Do you have a source for the meat and mead gifts, however?

It was an folklore book I had I'll try and find it

Also I know that the Nordic druids have the shamans food and stuff so they could live

Yes I will accept that as true

I fucking love you guys.

It's Correct the Christmas Record!!! Wake up sheeple!

Exclusive Info

:) we need some comedy here...

This is my favorite reddit thread ever. Cant stop laughing at the comments

Why are we wasting our time discussing this? I haven't seen any evidence that he can't. You conspiritards just think every th ing is a conspiracy. Surely if there was a cospiracy of this magnitude we'd have some elves or something come forward. Santa is a good man. Can't we go back to discussing real conspiracies like russia annexing crimea. You delusional people probably think sandy hook wasn't real or the earth is a spiral.

oh shit. RIP OP for disclosing that. (((Hillary))) dressed as Santa is on her way to make OP die in an "egg nog accident".

It's actually a cylinder shape and is part of a galaxy that's inside a marble on a cat's necklace.

Guys go look at his Instagram, it will literally make you sick.
www.instagram.com/santaclause

Found a link between him and the Clinton foundation. http://wap.chinadaily.com.cn/img/attachement/jpg/site1/20141224/0023ae9885da16046d2418.jpg

look at baphomet horns in the back. #christmasspiritcooking

Good eye

Let's also remember that Santa and the elves are easily over 200 years old at this point, I think you're in the right track.

oh... my... god.... (((Santa))) killed Vince Foster and took Hillary's orders to attack to the militia in Benghazi.... It's all so obvious now....

Someone braver than me click and report back please!

(((Santa)))

Listen, I'm in on the conspiracy, and I can't say too much because my boss will kill me if I expose the conspiracy, but you're absolutely correct. It's really parents giving presents

Source: I'm a parent of 2 little kids, and my boss is their mother/my girlfriend

Stay safe brave Anon

I hope you're using a VPN or something to post this. Could be dangerous.

We need to break Santa's massive Child Slavery foundation. Elves my ass. Everyone knows elves don't exist and that it is under aged children forced to work long hours building toys for the rich. Plus he has shills in the commercial industry in order to have the Christmas season take over the entire year. Think about how stores are decorating for Christmas earlier and earlier. Soon enough we will have 2 seasons. Summer and Christmas. After that Christmas will slowly take over the entirety of the year. When this happens Santa will finally be able to execute his plan. I don't know what he is planning but he's obviously using the whole gift delivery scheme to infiltrate our houses. I assume he's planting something in all of our homes I just don't know what it is. Remember to check your chimneys and stocking for anything suspicious. And I'm guessing those dirty little "Elf on a Shelf" toys are in on it as well. They must report back to Santa every night and this is how he gets his surveillance done. I'm thinking he's looking for more than just "Naughty or Nice" he's closing examining our lives. Trying to figure out everyone's schedule in order to get the most efficient impact on us.

I have never spent this much cognitive energy on anything before in my entire life. I have yet to decide if I am proud or disappointed.

This. Icke goes over it in "There Arose Such A Clatter Vol. 6"

How else do you think Hillary could assassinate all those people if she didn't have the same chimney-squeezing technology? Literally everyone she killed has died within 10,000km of a chimney! It's so obvious!

A former CERN employee revealed that Santa delivers his gifts via the Large Hadron Collider. Christmas trees are really antennae that transmit GPS coordinates and wishlists directly to CERN. The Large Hardon Collider then teleports the gifts to a location directly underneath the tree. Sometimes there are mishaps while the gifts are in transit, and this is why some children end up with Berenstein Bears books while everyone else gets copies of the Berenstain Bears.

I read on a 4chan screenshot that "God Particle" is really a code for the classified Gifts On Demand program.

This should be the top of r/all.

r/FindRudolph

r/FindRudolph

Correct the Christmas Record is still in operation! It's obvious that Soros funds (((St. Nicholas))) (who is from the middle east, I'll add for those sheeple who've never studied this up!)

All misdirection. Notice no one ever talks about misses Claus?

She's a transgender and Santa is gay with the elves.

While worshipping the devil and hanging out with shitty performance artists that are about as evil as your average Reed College student.

Wasn't Steve Jobs a member?

Yes

25/25. Quality sleigh post.

This needs to be flagged as fake news.

EGG NOG DONT MELT STEEL BEAMS

Honestly, we know Santa does not exist. It is propaganda perpetrated by the Elves.

Elves was a descriptor invented by the leprechauns to have someone to blame for mistakes made..

he doesn't. he likely starts in australia and realistically has almost two days if he manages his time wisely.

the bible

The only way you could see a connection between the Christian Bible and Christmas/(((Santa))) is if you've been sprayed with the egg nog chemtrails.

If you think there's a connection, then your brain has been exposed!

St Nick was a turk............ so they say..........

coincidence???

What would you say if I told you that there's actually TWO Santas? One for each of the poles.

How can you tell about the shills?

But now it's got over 2,000.

I don't doubt you at all. I just want to understand how to tell that is happening.

Just look above, it's santa coming to deliver presents! Or its the joke going over your head.

I tend to assume people are being illogical as opposed to joking when it comes to the whole shill/troll thing.

I have proof that the music industry was in on it. They have been flaunting it in our face all these years.

So get this, If Santa can say "Ho" 3 times a second, "Ho-ho-ho", and if you consider the blinding rate at which he would need to travel around the earth to deliver all those presents in 24 hours, then all of Santas "Ho"s would be in different area codes. Ludacris was definitely trying to tell us something with his area codes song.

Connect the dots sheople.

Really mods, "speculation"? ... is that what this sub has come to?

I'm so pleased someone's had the courage to question this.

Personally, I started to question the validity of Santa when I moved to a house with no chimney. How did he get in?

We need more visibility/ answers. MSM and the government are complicit and will continue to cover this up.

a house with no chimney. How did he get in?

[leans in close, whispering] ask (((Hillary)))... she knows [leaning back, nodding as if to say "Yeah, you know what I'm talking about..."]

Soon Santa will be conveniently bumped off in a vehicular 'accident'

The real conspiracy here is that Santa convinced billions of parents to buy their kids presents themselves, essentially outsourcing a massive portion of his workload to Amazon and FedEx.

In this day and age, Santa doesn't have to do shit but hang out at malls and grope children. And he still gets his fat cheque from the holiday deity union. What a bastard.

chemtrails = egg nog

This is GOLD...good show!

He's probably a trans-dimensional being and time doesn't apply to him or his team of elves like it does to us.

One second in our world is days in Santa reality.

Or maybe he's just Trans.

I fucking love this shit. Biggest laughs of Christmas

Based on population figures, Santa will deliver gifts to 1.6 billion children.

This requires visiting 5,556 homes a second and eating 150 billion calories in milk and mince pies.

With an average of 2.5 children per household, Santa will need to make 640 million stops on Christmas Eve.

Each child needs 80cm of wrapping, which would stretch 1.5 million miles.

The total number of presents would set Santa back £279.27 billion.

Prior to the big night, Santa needs to store all these presents in a warehouse.

Assuming each present average out at 0.008 m3, the warehouse would need to cover the same space as 240,000 double-decker buses.

He would also have to travel at 1,800 miles per second.

Slow conspiracy day here. (love the post btw)

i like that this sub can have some fun at its own expense from time to time.

I am on the fence. On the one hand, the accomplishment is undeniably impressive and inhuman. A superhuman time-warping mindreader is, frankly, preposterous. But on the other you would need a cast of thousands if not hundreds of thousands to pull this off in a major city alone. There is no way that many could keep things secret without a few leaks.

Don't listen to him,, don't fall for black PR. Santa is alive and well and operating on full cylinders.

It's so big even our parents are in on it..

This was really my first conspiracy at age 10 or so lol

oh hell yeah he can [not everyone is nice when naughty is an option!]

          *
         /.\

        /..'\

        /'.'\

       /.''.'\

       /.'.'.\

 "'""/'.''.'.\""'"'"
      ^^^[_]^^^

i know!

sad but true

[deleted]

This post actually makes a really good point. So many of the posts here are just making claims and inviting others to make claims.

Worthless.

Where is the action, where is the organization?

Hasn't anyone seen episode 4 of season 1 of The Librarians? It's all explained right there.

Yes he can because he's a Time Lord

Santa obviously has the downed craft from Roswell New Mexico.

He is working with the greys, and his list... The quote unquote naughty and nice list "end quote" is just a list of people that will submit to authority. The good people are rewarded with trinkets while the "quote" ("unquote") naughty people will be food for the lizard reptilian anorondak overlords. Welcome to my world end quote"")?

I am not sure what to believe so I will just go with whatever is the opposite of the mainstream media's stance on Santa.

This may very well be the greatest thread ever on /r/conspiracy.

It's really nice we don't take ourselves too seriously. I love this sub. Happy Christmas y'all.

It's gotta be that evil mainstream media thats in Santas pockets.

Boils my fucking blood. Wish people could see through this BS

[deleted]

Don't let me break out Snopes and make you into a fool bro!

I'm sorry too. 🙁

Written by user vortexcortex from Voat in /v/conspiracy

Parents around the world conspire to commit psychological warfare upon unsuspecting Children. The claimed goal is to induce a state of joy with gifts from "Santa Claus". Many Kindergarteners trying to expose the truth among friends are deemed, "tinfoil hat conspiracy theorists". After all, they're claiming that ALL ADULTS are participating in a world wide conspiracy just to deceive them about the source of presents.

"Why would they ALL lie to us?", says the bluepilled gradeschooler, "That's crazy! Moms or Dads, maybe, but Grannies wouldn't lie."

A curious fence-sitter pipes up, "I saw Santa and sat on his lap. Wouldn't parents want us to love them instead of a Santa stranger?"

"Shh, never tell them you don't believe in Santa or the presents will stop coming", whispers the most redpilled child.

You have been led to believe that SANTA is a person. Really it is a evil corporation bent on the subjugation of the world's children. To what end is not known.

Santacorp won't rest until there's an Elf on Every Shelf.

I love that we can all joke about ourselves a bit today :)

He doesn't have to visit every house in the world, huge swathes of population don't want Santa to visit them.

I heard Santa has a dungeon full of slaves who breach patent laws by replicating toys designed by reputable manufacturers. Elves he calls them. And missus Claus is a new!!

Thank you for the levity!

Though minus milk and cookies for no sources, you tin foil hat! Do the math!

Not saying he could still do it, but he would have more than 24 hours. Time zones man, time zones. I like to think of Santa delivering presents like a racing game and each time zone line is a checkpoint. The faster he finishes a time zone, the more time he has to finish the next.

Damn man, wake up! Just think about the basic physics! The International Date Line was fabricated by the (((lizard people))) confuse sheeple like you into believing crap like that!

Santa is actually a secret organization bent on entering all houses dropping so called "gifts". Beware.

That's intriguing.

Dood, relax man. He doesn't have to go to every house. Like 1/4 or Detroit is just abandoned homes.

pure racism.

How are empty homes racist?

now you move to antisemitism. nice.

<citation needed>

There's this guy on YouTube with a channel called imaginaryaxis that presented the top theories on Santa.

1. Relativity Cloud - Santa uses this distortion of space-time to travel comfortably

2. There's multiple Santas throughout the world with the same tech and same mission. This is why there's so many Santa Villages

Who said there was only one Santa?

edit: Also, he doesn't have to visit EVERY house, there are lots of bad people on the Naughty List.

Um not everyone celebrates Christmas. And many that do celebrate it don't believe in Santa. Kind of makes his job easy, ya know.

There's several documentary movies which explain how it's possible.

I am now chopping off Phillis' head with a chainsaw!!

Santa? Satan? the big red guy? WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Santa is just the front man of a child toy delivering service , he works for "little people" called elves (aliens) who use space ships to deliver toys , the front has Santa coming down a chimney even if the house doesn't have one .. the alien ships just dock at any wall through elf magic and they deliver gifts .

It's by magic, don't you ppl have any sense? Do you know how much divine power it takes to save a human from their sins? And the magic just spills over causing love and and goodwill *all over the the damned world. Too bad corporatists have hijacked the love for their evil war on the sheeple by making it about $ in their pockets. Now that is the grand conspiracy. But ppl are waking up.

The space-time continuum is greatly distorted during this time every year and He appears in all parts of the world at once. If you could see it happen, you would notice the emptying and filling of the sleigh during the many trips to the North Pole to accomplish this.

Been lingering around the conspiracy sub for a while now and I finally have to come out and say that I agree with this 100%. It's all a load of bullshit.

To be fair across all timezones Christmas Day actually lasts a total of 48 hours so he has longer than you think

He only needs to visit about a third of the world population...

Santa's time is not linear.

Sometimes op it's ok to just believe :), and that's better than getting coal and a visit from krampus

Guy. Clearly he has a quarter sized singularity that he uses to freeze time relative to our dimension.

DUH!

Santa's sleigh has a flux capacitor.

If you rearrange the letters, SANTA becomes SATAN

illuminati confirmed!

Time travel CONFIRMED!

Pence is...Is Santa?

If Santa isn't real, who eats the cookies you leave out?!

This is why your ass doesn't get presents under the tree, you dirty naysayer.

Oh, shit. How have I been so blind?!

Someone needs to do something.

Milk and Cookies?

Please, what else do we know of that is predominantly dairy and grain/wheat?

Cheese pizza anyone?

google ron paul 2012

Almost every single one of you fell for this crap?

Lol you're a terrible troll. Click it and it's still there, your name is just gone from it. Could go to unreddit but I don't care enough. Try harder next time

Considering it has over 1k upvotes and is on /r/all and half the comments are making fun of /r/conspiracy I'd say it's a pretty successful troll.

PS. If you disagree with me you are a pedophile

He's a bad troll. Everyone just fell for it hook line and sinker. His comments show his true age

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Well there's time difference?

Twas the night before a conspiracy And all through the subreddit, Not a creature was commenting, Not even a shill. The emails were all leaked by Assange with great care, In the hopes that we'd read them and all of us would share. Children in DC have been snatched from their beds, While visions of sugar plums dance in sheeps heads.

Someone continue this

pointing up someone this is a great start....

You need to cross-post this on r/bernieforsantaclaus.

He uses Amazon prime now. Cmon it's 2016

Op must be fun at parties!!

It's about time we unmasked the lie about Santa. Santa doesn't visit every house, he visits the houses of Christians. Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, pagans, Scientologists, Satanists, and atheists are shit out of luck.

Plus, he doesn't visit the houses of people without children. Singles and childless couples can go fuck themselves.

Plus, he doesn't visit the houses of bad children. Santa is only interested in good little boys and girls. The bad children he delegates to an elf, who puts coal in their stockings when he gets around to it.

I've just reduced Santa's workload by over 90%. He has lots of time.

This will probably be removed

You serious Clark?

that's why he does it outside 24 hours.

gift deities utilize time differently than us humans.

Santa is a (((globalist)))!!! Only papa Trump can deliver (in the US, papa Putin gives all the gifts to the master race children in Russia, Geert in the Netherlands with his servant Zwarte Piet!!!)

It's just raceChristmas realism! Sorry cucks! Salt my caramel with your tears!

(this is r/the_donaldconspiracy, after all)

Time zones, asshole.

What if Santa actually has a clone army of other Santa's and they help accomplish his goal of world domination and commercialism?

CIANTA confirmed.

Well I heard Hannity's audio interview with Rudolph so at least we know he's still alive. The real question you need to ask yourself is who melted Frosty. Hint: Bill Clinton eats snow.

Soros must be behind this.

(((SANTA)))

You don't have to apologize.

[deleted]

Just when I was losing some faith in this Sub you guys go and do this! Merry Christmas. And, in the Immortal Words of Tiny Tim, "God Bless Us. Every one of us."

By the way, Downvoter: I was trying to say how much this thread has made me Laugh. Great stuff. Gold for All!!!

Elfin Magic bro!

Santa is able to control space and time. What seems like 1 night for you is a much longer time for him.

Mini Wormholes while he's eating donut holes.

If you stop believing, you stop receiving

Santa doesn't have to visit everyone's house. He only need to visit the houses of Christian families with kids.

And not only that, we're not sure how Santa works. It's speculated that he works on the laws of Quantum Mechanics. That is a whole set of laws that we're not used to.

Uhm ya he can he is magic!!!! /s

Everyone knows Santa is the real deal because you never went to Santa's Village and saw the real Santa Claus at the real North Pole. You're just one of those severely jealous jaded kids who got a 3rd hand experience by seeing it in a TV commercial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uj-qmyaUQWQ

I must confess the jaded kid was me :(

Is Santa really not real? My parents keep telling me he's real. Why would they lie to me and betray my trust?

FUCKING RUMSFELD

Hot cocoa can't melt candy cane beams.

What if Santa is the flash and operates in bullettime or even bullettime's bullettime? What if Santa is literally Agent Smith and the movie the Matrix is vicious black propaganda by the american chinese restaurant association against our grand simulation overlords?

Fuck you. what the fuck do you mean he can't visit every house? He's been doing it since like 2000 years ago. You godless commie heathen. Good Lord will judge you.

stay woke people santa drugs you with chemicals that turn frogs gay while you sleep

This sub has gone to shit. Years ago it was a place for educated discussions, backed with evidence.

Now it seems any user can throw out some hairbrained bullshit theory and make the front page!

I'm done.

It's Christmas. Lighten the fuck up

It's a joke kiddo, like all the posts in this thread.

Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, unbelievers and adults with no children to give gifts to for various reasons and we have close to 2.5 billion people and entire parts of the world he can skip completely. That gives him a lot less people to visit.

Magic, dude. And who cares?

Tired of you fucking shills ruining our subreddit. Leave SANTA ALONE!!!!!

my dad told me santa will deliver and my dad never lies

Sled fuel can't melt candy cane beams

You are a hater.

You might have saved Christmas but you have ruined /r/conspiracy.

This thread is more magical than the entire holiday season.

What they don't want you to know is that Santa's secret layer is actually on Antarctica in the south pole, where he is secretly pulling all the strings and has been kidnapping children (elves) and building an army for years. Right under our fucking noses.

I realized that Santa was not real when he showed up in a beat up car, when to the wrong apartment first, and was also drunk... But I did get a photo op and a cool tractor so overall it was a win

This thread made my Christmas.

Really nice to see this sub joke around for once haha

edit: I see the paid Christmas shills are out in full force tonight

Lack of imagination has been installed inside your head! Thanks for coming!

From our local Christmas tracker updates last night: "So he's in South America now, that puts his speed at least over 8000 miles per hour. I don't know how he does that!"

This is better than half the shit posted here this year!

I suggest you watch Arthur Christmas and get back to me.

He skips lots of Asian houses and most of Africa.

"I'm sorry there is no way Santa can visit every house in the world in 24 hours"

Santa is getting obsolete, he gotta take some classes with the NSA on how to be everywhere, every moment.

There is more than one Santa, but just one is real, others are simply robots. Every robot is controlled by just one AI, like a hive mind, now the north Pole ruled by it. Now that mostly everyone have a smartphone or a electronic device the task of controlling the bad kids is easier.

Currently every nation on the world is discussing the Weapon power that Santa have.

He is an extradimensional being.

It's no coincidence that "Comet" is one of Santa's reindeer and the restaurant at the center of the Pizzagate conspiracy is called "Comet Ping Pong." Hillary is clearly Mrs. Claus.

this is the best post this sub has ever gotten.

He's a Time Lord and the sleigh is his Tardis.

Santa operates outside the matrix, he can pause the simulator and take his time. All it is is codeing he changes a few 0s to 1s and its done

How many times do you think he gets shot for breaking and entering/trespassing once he gets to Texas?

In all of the Christmas shows, Santa only visit WASPs. He doesn't need to visit any home except those of rich white children, who have been good. It's a small number.

Someone needs to take "Quantum Superposition Santa Waveforms" at the local university.

Santa can teleport.. Obviously. This post is trash. :)

Time travel is a wonderful thing. Santa is the originator and developer of the Flux Capacitor Ya know.

Quantum Physics is how he does it.

Maybe there is two of them.

lol @ the mods in this thread. you guys are hilarious.. not.

Santa is flat. He is not round and full of jelly but rather a 2 dimensional version of his former self

Usually when I see a /r/conspiracy post on /r/all I have a small chuckle, but this one gave me a big one. Good job OP.

Santa uses satanic magic to get it done.

This goes all the way to the top.

Santa has a time turner. Duh.

Not a shill... And obv yes he can. Ninja moves.

He must use a time machine.

Well, I know he didn't visit my house. I had to do his dirty work and buy my kids their presents on his behalf. Lazy Santa.

I could totally see Amazon delivering packages as Santa in the near future for a premium price

By the use of Time Dilation fields, warp bubbles generated by the hoof beats of Alien Reindeer (short version, they create warp fields with the frequency of their hooves when running full speed but not when walking or trotting), and Einstein / Rosen Bridges powered by Zero Point Gravity generators (designed by the alien race known as The Elves) it is not only possible but practical. Some people believe in the Mulitverse theory that Christmas is on different days of the year in other multiverses and that all of the Santas work in unison so that there is ONE Santa per household each from a different Multiverse, but that is JUST nonsense.

There is no way that car can create a sustainable warp field.

There actually is a Christmas conspiracy. Santa was modeled after Satan, to replace the Jesus holiday with toys etc. Hell the letters of Santa also can spell Satan. What color is Santa's outfit? Red like the devil!

Well, considering his reindeer can fly, I would assume his technology is far beyond our comprehension.

I wouldn't put it past Santa if he had the technology to slow down time or move incredibly fast to provide an illusion of slowness.

This conspiracy theory has been debunked by CNN. They have insider information about people who have information about people who know CIA officials who know people who have said there is a secret report which PROVES that Santa does exist.

The secret which pulls it all together...is that there's two Santas

Blew your mind

Simple.....

Santa's magic.

Wake up folks. Santa is just a crisis actor.

Also I never thought I would upvote something on this sub. Good job, OP.

I did not know that you guys had a sense of humor! Merry Christmas.

With time zones it's like 31 hours.

How can that be with only 24 in one day? Illuminati

Dude is an ex Monsanto employee and former Mossad agent. Please for your own safety don't dig further.

Jesus is the bread

Not every house! I don't think that 90 year old jewish lady living down the street from me is expecting santa to show up in the next 24 hours.

Everyone?? Hardly only those who are not naughty, the nice.

That means an old woman in Kentucky; an old man in Vermont and a fisherman.

I ran the numbers! It's all a lie! You can't silence the truth!

Santa is an eldritch entity that is constantly moving. The thing is, time stops when in the general vicinity of the Clause. It's how he is able to visit all the houses in one night, he brings that night wherever he goes. He is more of a force of nature than a mere fat man in a suit.

Op he's fucking magical

Milk and cookies cannot melt steel beams! Follow the mistletoe money and you'll find your answers.

I learned Santa didn't exist while me and all my cousins slept in my grandmas living room waiting. Uncle was given the job but he had an insane amount of eggnog.

Tipped over a candle stand, tree skirt instantly caught fire followed by the tree. He tried to put it our by punching at it catching his outfit on fire.

Everyone ran to the front lawn while somehow only the tree, gifts and a part of a really old/rare butterfly collection but.

Was a good time overall

[deleted]

Time zones... think about it🎅

Google now says Santa isn't real. WHICH IS IT GOOGLE?

SANTA ISNT REAL -PASTOR SOMETHING

I love each and every one of you.

Elves, OP is on to us, get him!! (on the naughty list..)

Santa Clause is EXTREMELY powerful. One night a year he uses his stored magic to visit every house at the exact same time. Of course the Santa tracker is nonsense, it's so that people don't realize that Santa has any where near that much power.

You see he's teamed up with the NSA to plant microphones and trackers wherever he goes, so they've helped put put this "tracker" so that people think they have time to hide or get out of dodge. But you can't hide from Santa, or the NSA.

Next you will be claiming the tooth fairy isn't real, or some other nonsense.

I cannot deal with this blasphemy

Have you fools never heard of magick?

SAD!

Come on man, it's called magic.

Santa uses replication magic to make millions of copies of himself and his sleigh/reindeer. Those copies have to stay fairly close to the original though or they lose their invisibility, so he flies around with them and acts as supervisor. The original Santa is what you see on the tracker.

These Santa copies then use individual portal sacks to teleport the correct gifts to that individual copy. This is all coordinated at the North Pole by the head elf, who also has millions of copies of him/herself. The elf copies talk to the Santa copies via satellite phone headsets (because Santa and Co. can be modern too, let's be real), to ensure the correct gifts are delivered. Elf engineers have optimised this process very efficiently to allow for faster delivery (and therefore less copies and lower magical cost).

More recently, elves have developed a code system for different houses, to inform the Santa copies of things like bad children, temporarily relocated family, aggressive pets, etc. It's a very sophisticated system.

The real issue isn't delivering the gifts, but finding the office space necessary for housing millions of elves and providing them with working satellite phone headsets. It's a nightmare for the IT department, who are thinking of unionizing in protest of poor working conditions.

Anyways, got a bit off topic. That's how it's done. Merry Christmas!

SANTA = Super-Aerial Nocturnal Transit Agent

Apparently it was developed at Area 51 to ensure the smooth and covert delivery of secretive and special cargo at extremely high altitudes during the hours of darkness.

Edward Snowdon leaked information that seems to suggest this is being specifically used to target small children during the month of December.

NORAD has a Santa tracker - I think they've GPS tagged the bitch http://www.noradsanta.org

Be careful not to disrespect a man who can come down your chimney in the night, though. . . You might wake up with a bag over your head and a reindeer cock up your arse.

Whose payroll are you on? I get up Christmas morning looking forward to a nice cup of Joe and check out what SOROS is up to and find out the top rated post is THIS CRAP? You're going on #thelist, mister and if 4 months from now you're posting some shit about the Easter Bunny I don't have to tell you what you've got to look forward to!!!

you have 100% changed my opinion on santa, thank you so much for helping me see the truth, now screw off

Santa steps on the work of the proletariat!

Dude i bet Jesus wasnt even born on christmas. The whole thing is a lie

santagate

Say it ain't so Santa!

Omg, judging by op's history, he's being serious...

Then who ate the cookies, huh smart guy?

You stop believing and Santa stops coming!

UFO technology, obviously

Umm the answer is obvious imo.

Even though there's been a huge population boom since the 1900's, there's also been a mind bogglingly sharp increase in shitty children that continues to spike upwards in the 2000's, which actually results in LESS houses for Santa to visit.

Plus, we all know that Santa doesn't visit impoverished children, which eliminates the need to visit the homes of many countries as a whole. A few more well off cultures don't even believe in Santa, so Santa thinks they can fuck off with their shit then, no presents for them.

So if we focus on the most realistic route of visiting Canada, democratic states in the USA, and Britain and surrounding areas, and THEN focus on the "good" demographic of children's houses to visit, Santa problem only has to visit like, 7 houses tops across two continents. Entirely doable within a 12 hour time frame considering the speed of Santa's reindeer, and factoring in timezones.

The real conspiracy is where are all these presents coming from in houses that Santa DOESN'T visit? I bet the NSA drops presents disguised as "From Santa" to spy on families. At least Trump will end the NSA so we don't have to worry about children getting presents anymore amirite

Obviously you are alone today. Merry fucking Christmas.

Podesta's Santa Claus Emails you decide.

That's why he skips the homes of the poor

You forget that there are other gift givers like Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, Kris Kringle and the Three Wise Men. Also, not everyone celebrates on the same day. Many Dutch open presents on the 5th of December, the South Africans on the 24th, Russians on the 31st and the rest of Eastern Europe on the 7th of January, giving all of the gift givers more time.

St. Nick had help and he doesn't do it all in one night.

He doesnt deliver to all the kids because so many kids are naughty now that it takes him a very short time to deliver

Nimrod's birthday ya'll!

Christmas was an inside job, and I have evidence leading to Santa's arrest.

Instant best post in the sub.

Great job OP.

If santa has the technology to make perfect copies of toys and electronic to deliver as gifts, why would you think that he doesn't have technology to deliver presents all over the world?

The guy doesn't exist, and if I someday have a kid I'm not going to condemn him to a commercialised lie like that.

Go read up on superposition in quantum physics.

I don't get it. Is this for fun? Seems a bit shilly willy to me.

In fact, elves aren't really elves. There aren't really any elves. They are lizards with elvish features.

To be serious for a second, it actually is pretty weird we mislead all children, millions of children, in to believing something that is impossible, that benefits consumerism.

SantaGate

of course the MSM sends their shills to r/conspiracy to try and convince everyone magic isn't real.

"ha ha santa's not real what a laugh"

the elite know the truth of santas existence. and theyll use silly little shitposts like this to continue to discredit the real santa clause 'conspiracy'

wake up sheeple!!

Just gotta have faith.

Here is an interview of Jesus interviewing people for the Santa Claus position. It happened in Australia. Why not the North Pole??

Its fucking magic bitches.

When your parents who you think know everything tell you something is real you tend to believe them

Bush did 12/25

100% fake news! Wake up sheeple!

Well i guess your parents never told you..... Life sucks eh. Hey, if your parents are capable of lying to you i wonder what strangers,politicians, and bankers with vested interests are willing to do...

Its called a joke and this one just went over ur head

Lol no shit. And now look at me stirring the pot even more!

Global warming can't melt north poles

Dude everyone knows that Santa has a strong assist every year from the Union of Santa Partner Services, United Partners of Santa, and the Fraternity of Elf Deputies EXpediter service. No man is an island, even Santa Claus.

Well if they are watching the Disney Channel he can. Oh, I thought you said satan. ....

Yes there is. Time is a relative.

If he had a TARDIS rather than the sleigh, he could. Not only would a TARDIS be able to get the job done on time, due to both time travel and non-spatial travel, but it would hold all the presents much more effectively as well. You could fit literally as many presents in it as you needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gf1X7yMFf8

NORAD is in on it too I'm told

Something something Hillary's email something something Pizza-gate something something shills something.

But... and hear me out... say Santa is a shape-shifting lizard. Check mate.

I have spoken to a few Antarctic Aeronautics engineers personally.

Via the velocity and mass of such a sleigh contraption; there is no way each and every household can be met in the right timeframe; without the use of alien technology and magnetic machinery.

Also naughty or nice was created in the thirties by a backdoor psychologist working for the Rothschilds, but thats just common knowledge.

Tin-foil hats are out again, I see.

Ill still believe Santa over the moon landing any day.

The conspiracy is to drown out real posts with shit posts.

^^ Yes - a hundred times yes.

I like how I am being down voted, this is a shit post. Plenty of subs allow and enjoy shit posts. But the whole point of /r/conspiracy is to engage ideas that seem absurd. To accept silly shit posts fundamentally says oh we will sometimes laugh off certain ideas. This is a pretty damn good shit post. If the sub as whole wasn't clearly being run a ground by surrogates of trump I would probably find it funny, but its effect will be to normalize shit posts on /r/conspiracy.

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS???

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - We are pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Unsubscribing because this is actually a horrible sub.

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Maybe because she should've...

The fact that anyone still tells their kids that Santa is real is beyond me. Glad my parents never held that stupid tradition. Made me appreciate the gifts more knowing they came from my parents.

Why this fuck is this stupid as shit the first post on this sub? Fucking get your priorities right

What priorities? It's Christmas, sneaky sneaks will still be fucking with the world tomorrow.

I'm aware but why do we need this? It has nothing to do with anything

It's Christmas that's why. You should stay super serious 24/7/365. Laugh at yourself every once in a while. Otherwise you get caught up.

It's a fun thread but look at the upvotes compared to other posts. How the hell does that happen?

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This is the rest of the world mocking you

Cool, can you leave now?

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Look a buzzword!

I could care less.

Lol you're a terrible troll. Click it and it's still there, your name is just gone from it. Could go to unreddit but I don't care enough. Try harder next time

Found a link between him and the Clinton foundation. http://wap.chinadaily.com.cn/img/attachement/jpg/site1/20141224/0023ae9885da16046d2418.jpg

look at baphomet horns in the back. #christmasspiritcooking

Detroit Rock City actually touched on this 17 years ago.

Upvote for making me spit my cider out in laughter.

We dont take kindly to those who dont take kindly round here

There was but it kept getting deleted.

I need that Adam Curtis soundtrack to keep my attention.

The WTC was built with the help of Santa. Those ''steel beams" were actually made of chocolate hence the collapse & story about it melting.