Get Rid of Your Fitbits

19  2017-04-25 by nobodyspecial45

There’s a new dawn in America. After the Bush years where it was acceptable to get fat because “we we're at war” everyone suddenly decided that fat was out and health was in. The end of an era. No longer can you go to the krispy kreme just around the corner from the office because “fuck man we have people dying for this shit.” When the war in iraq and afghanstan ended we all woke up feeling like a teenage girl trying to fit into that prom dress.

Then came the Obama’s and thin was in and exercise was the staple of any affluent household diet. Enter, the Fit Bit. The fit bit is the new fitness craze taking over the hearts and especially the minds of your average day housewife, hip finance executive, and all the plebeians in between. For the reasonable price of 130 bucks you can essentially become a slave to your wrist and mindlessly putz around while counting the distance you covered while contributing literally nothing to anything at all.

The Fit Bit is a watch meets pedometer meets crossfit technology incarnate. I dont know if youve ever talked to someone who owns one of these things but its like talking to a missionary trying to sell u the healing power of walking at your door while u can smell your dinner wasting away in the dining room. The idea of this modern day ball and chain is that it counts the steps u take each day giving u a way to quantitate how healthy u we're that day. Ask anyone who owns one how they are doing and all u will get is “well i did 9,000 steps today which is ok but i really want to do 9,500. Do you wanna go for a walk? How many steps have you done today?” No i dont want to go for a walk and im not sure how many steps ive taken today im sure im still working over all the negative steps ive earned from never actually getting dressed and eating microwave corn dogs for a whole week .

People who own fit bits are the same type of people who will invite you on facebook to a walk-a-thon for Lupus. Hard pass. How much money do i have to cut a check for not to walk?

But here's the future;

By the year 2032 the government will use fit bits to control the masses. Its not hard to see. If you know someone with a fit bit you know that all they are concerned about is how far they have walked all day. These people walk circles in their house just to get the number on their watch to move. This is perfect for the goverment. Soon fit bits will be handed out for free as part of a health initiative and everyone will be so concerned about how many steps they have taken they wont realize Donald Trump lost the election to the NSA and the security agency is on its third executive term.

Soon fit bits will have authorized walking locations to exclude areas like polling locations and book stores. The only upside is global warming will be fixed because the government will set up hamster wheels downtown where you will be able to lineup to increase your steps while generating electricity. The downside, while you are walking on the wheel the FBI will be searching through your underwear drawer to make sure you don't have any unauthorized items i.e snickers or a pocket constitution.

The fit bit is a genuis move to be honest. I mean it even vibrates when u reach 10,000 steps in a day. The device literally pleasures you once you fulfill your daily commitment to it. Im surpised i havent seen more people praising their watch in the shopping mall once they reach the prescribed goal. “Oh my watch is vibrating thank you master! I will walk for you forever.”

In closing. If you have a fit bit. Take it off and smash it with a hammer. After that throw it in the ocean and scream in cliche hollywood fashion at the god’s. You will not be a slave to your wrist no more.

I called the NSA. They didnt answer. So i put in a Freedom of Information Act request. They responded by saying this was not a legimate request or news source. Which is exactly what they would say if they had something to hide.

39 comments

n/a  jawny_ 2017-04-25

I'm guessing this is a troll?

n/a  nobodyspecial45 2017-04-25

Totally serious talk to anyone who owns one their brains are totally controles by their watch now

n/a  bobqjones 2017-04-25

being aware of how lazy you were/are does not equal mind control.

n/a  LustfulLemongrass 2017-04-25

Sure but you could also see that by doing some introspection rather than tethering yourself to a silicone umbilical cord. Now that you k ow you were lazy toss that tech and go take walks, change your diet and do workouts that raise your cardio and have fun. You don't need a bloody watch that counts your steps to get in shape and stay in shape. And if you truly do, I pity you.

n/a  imcraiggy 2017-04-25

ummm.....

n/a  dazscrimpy87 2017-04-25

sooooo Garmin viofit2 is safe? cause i gotta reach my 8000 steps accurately today.

n/a  nobodyspecial45 2017-04-25

Throw it away!

n/a  dazscrimpy87 2017-04-25

I CANT!!!! ITS BURNING!

n/a  ScaredycatMatt 2017-04-25

I wear a FitBit and I can confirm that it's made me more conscious of how lazy I previously was.

I guess I'm now mind controlled. I should take it off and watch TV at home instead.

n/a  nobodyspecial45 2017-04-25

Its all bread and cheese tv and your fit bit

n/a  ScaredycatMatt 2017-04-25

And then what? Post threads on Reddit in my free time instead?

n/a  Simon_C137 2017-04-25

Gotta get reps in somehow

n/a  LustfulLemongrass 2017-04-25

Nope. Take your life into your own hands and stop asking someone else or something else to do it for you. You wanna get in shape, go get in shape. Nothing and no one knows your body better than you. So look inward and do what you already know you need to do to affect the changes you want.

Cutting that umbilical cord can be hard. Rest my soul I'm still working on it so please do not take this as an attack on you. (We all have room for growth).

But you're just making excuses. Same as all those people I meet daily that bitch about lack of privacy on Facebook but then tell you their mountain of reasons for still having one/or why the literally CANNOT stop using it when you tell them that you don't. I did all those things. Same can be said for the fit bit. The meat of this post has a lot of personal flair but the point is very valid.

n/a  stemnewsjunkie 2017-04-25

The only reason I purchased a fitbit was because it was reimbursable and got my a discount on insurance.

n/a  fudgeman 2017-04-25

I 100% agree with what you're saying, but more importantly I 100% love how you said it. More content like this needs to be on the front page of /r/conspiracy

n/a  nobodyspecial45 2017-04-25

I had to add in some semantics to get my point across but its the old roman idea of bread and cheese. Its real shit

n/a  fudgeman 2017-04-25

Can't disagree with that. Sometimes you gotta add some ketchup to a hot dog, am I right?

n/a  ouroboric 2017-04-25

one bad dinner date and you just lose it over fitbit, huh? it's okay, somebody will love you one day

n/a  theperiodictable 2017-04-25

Walk as you please because it's good exercise, not to appease some trendy device on your wrist.

n/a  64b65h6h 2017-04-25

I never heard of these fitbits -- it must be a West coast thing. Does it come in a choke collar?

Black Mirror is starting to feel stale with things like this already being implemented, probably so they can shove a different type of propaganda down our throats.

n/a  64b65h6h 2017-04-25

I never heard of these fitbits -- it must be a West coast thing. Does it come in a choke collar?

Black Mirror is starting to feel stale with things like this already being implemented, probably so they can shove a different type of propaganda down our throats.

n/a  mastigia 2017-04-25

When the war in iraq and afghanstan ended

yeah, about that...

n/a  bobqjones 2017-04-25

i don't think it's giving them an illusion of improving their fitness. it's just a baseline, relatively inaccurate, measure of basic movement.

if when you start wearing it, it's only showing you getting 1000 "steps" a day, and later it's showing you up around 10k, then it shows that you have at least been moving more. for some people, that in itself is a worthy goal.

it gives people a metric to go by. something that they can SEE get better every day.

n/a  nitmotilo 2017-04-25

This post could have 90% fewer words.

n/a  thedogshittacos 2017-04-25

https://youtu.be/ov9o2P80vl4?t=721

n/a  Dippy_Egg 2017-04-25

Fun post.

I will confess to being a fitbit elitist: only wild-crafted, organic steps count. GTFO with those treadmill steps, cheaters. I will fitbit-unfriend your fat ass if I find out your steps are taking place indoors.

n/a  Chill_Confirmed 2017-04-25

or a pocket Constitution

😂

n/a  excelsiorgal 2017-04-25

It's useless for swimmers. It can't measure how much you swim. Funny cause with swimming you burn so much more calories with less time and effort.

n/a  Chill_Confirmed 2017-04-25

Body squats / pistol squats > walking

n/a  DrMantisTobogan9784 2017-04-25

someone doesn't understand physiology lol

n/a  IanPhlegming 2017-04-25

Fitbit and other similar personal IoT stuff are getting used less already.

n/a  Aders83 2017-04-25

Conditioning for transhumanism.

n/a  AwayWeGo112 2017-04-25

If you think thin is in and it's unacceptable to be fat, I have bad news for you, my friend.

n/a  nobodyspecial45 2017-04-25

This is a pro fat people post

n/a  AwayWeGo112 2017-04-25

I rest my case.

n/a  RonnyRonicke 2017-04-25

For a good third of this text i thought i was reading the blog of a 700 pound feminist trying to find something to blame

n/a  DrMantisTobogan9784 2017-04-25

how did this get a single upvote?

n/a  Katerbeast 2017-04-25

This sounds like fat logic cloaked in conspiracy..

n/a  SantiagoGT 2017-04-25

What about Garmin? It even tracks my sleep and heartbeat, it is actually a great training tool and can help you keep track of healthy habits, take for instance my sleep cycle, which was messed up by working graveyard shifts... By cutting off electronics and certain foods from my diet I could actually improve my sleeping cycle

I don't really think that GPS/HRM/stepcounters are evil, they are just tools and if used without Internet connection to sites like Facebook I think are pretty safe

n/a  eks91 2017-04-25

Same thing with smart phones. Smash your phone. Pedometers built in with out the fit bit.

n/a  roxum1 2017-04-25

I have a similar Garmin device. I wear the thing mostly for measuring my runs every day. I don't give a shit about the number of steps i took, but the data from the runs is useful for planning.

n/a  mjbmitch 2017-04-25

Where did you file a FOIA request?

n/a  Spez_IZACUCK 2017-04-25

DUDE YOU'RE FUCKIN SPOT ON BUDDY, 'UHS - Get paid to walk'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxUvIRQczGY